So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize