Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize