I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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