I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
