I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
