idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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