But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
