OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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