The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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