I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
