Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
