Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
