yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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