i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
