Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
