He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
