Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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