Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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