Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
