i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
