Pants 0. Shit 1.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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