At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
