1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
