I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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