It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I checked into jail on foursquare
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
