how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
