If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
