OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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