Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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