So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
