wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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