I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
