It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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