That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
