the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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