I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
