It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
