You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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