I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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