They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
