my phone needs a breathalizer
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
