I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
