What did we do last night that was yellow?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
