You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
