I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
