She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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