I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
