I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
