I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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