she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Farmville is her only friend.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
