I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
