I faked an abortion last night.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize