I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
