I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
