she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
