Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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