I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
