just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
