I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
