she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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