well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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