Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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