I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize