I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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