it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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