Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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