My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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