I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
