I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
